Random Bleach and Soccer Freak
by Glowing Blue
Summary: Ch 3. Break-Ups and Bumbling Boyfriends: "Taichou, don't you know what giving a diamond ring to a woman means?" In which Karin attempts to give love advice, and Kenpachi is desperate enough to follow it.
1. Ch 1: Hinamori Momo

**Title: **Gay Friends and Gullibility

**Summary: **The first thought that went through Karin's head was, "Oh my _Kami, _they're actually _gay_?_!" _In which Karin seeks revenge, and Momo seeks to spread the love.

**Main Characters: **Karin, Momo, Ikkaku, Yumichika, brief appearances by Matsumoto, Kyoraku-taichou; mentions of Hitsugaya, Aizen, Hisagi, Nanao, Ukitake-taichou, and one of Karin's friends (Kazuya)

**Pairings: **Ikkaku x Yumichika (sort of); mentions of Hitsugaya x Karin (again, sort of, since there is no _real_ romance between them in this)

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.**

* * *

><p>"Are you sure?" Momo's eyes were opened wide, and there was a blush on her cheeks, courtesy of the news she had just received.<p>

"Yup," Karin replied cheerfully, amused that her friend felt the need to speak in a hush. "100% positive. The signs are everywhere. You really haven't seen them?"

The blush on Momo's cheeks deepened.

"I've never had friends like...like _that _before."

"Sure you have. You just didn't realize it until now."

"But I never considered that those two were...well, I suppose it's possible. Ayasegawa-san always was a little odd, and I always thought there was _something _more than just a simple friendship between them, but..."

"But...?" Karin asked innocently, trying to keep the laughter from bursting past her lips. Who knew Momo was so gullible? Well, Aizen did, and now so did the rest of Seireitei, but Karin blamed obsessive love for that fiasco.

"I never knew Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san were..._in the closet together_." The last part came out in a loud whisper, and Momo covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.

That did it. Karin's roars of laughter were heard all throughout Soul Society that day.

"Karin-chan," the dainty fifth squad fukutaichou gasped, aghast that her friend could laugh at such a matter. Said friend was wiping tears from her eyes.

"Sorry, Momo. It just sounds funny when you say it."

Momo pursed her lips. Karin noticed.

"What?"

"Well, it's kind of sad." Karin's eyebrows raised.

"Do you have something against gay people?" she asked, shocked that her kind friend would be so prudish. Momo shook her head rapidly, waving her arms in front of her chest for emphasis.

"No, no. I just meant...it's kind of sad that the two of them have to hide their love like this." She bit her lip before continuing. "I'm sure that if they were open about this, everyone would understand."

It took all but two seconds for Karin to process this, and then she adorned a very Urahara-ish evil smile on her face. This revenge would be sweeter and more satisfying than she initially thought.

She didn't care that this might be going a little too far. This would teach Ikkaku a lesson for puncturing _her _favorite soccer ball, and not apologizing. Or agreeing to buy her a new one. Everyone knew soccer was her life, and the act he had committed was equivalent to murder in her eyes.

Sure, she felt bad about roping Yumichika into this mess; the fifth seat really had nothing to do with this. But that was just a small price to pay, and it was easy to convince others of his not-so-straight preferences, considering his weird obsession with looks and beauty.

"Well, how about we help them out?" Momo looked at her, surprised by the idea. "Oh, come on. What kind of friends would we be if we kept this information to ourselves and didn't help them out when they're so obviously in pain?"

"...I don't know. Shiro-chan always said that I meddle too much. But to be fair, Kurotsuchi-taichou really did look lonely, and it seemed like he wanted a girlfriend. How was I supposed to know he would strap the poor girl onto a lab table and try to inject her with strange liquids on their first date?" She gave a small pout, not noticing that her friend was wearing a horrified expression at the idea of actually _sacrificing _a girl to the disturbing twelfth division taichou. "But anyway, Shiro-chan told me to stay out of other people's lives."

"Well, Toushiro's just full of shit," Karin replied, waving her hand carelessly in the air, as if batting away the very idea of listening to the ice taichou's (probably sound and sane) advice. "I mean, where would _you _be if everybody stayed out of everybody else's business? If I hadn't barged into Squad Four and knocked some sense into you-" Momo whimpered and rubbed her arms, still remembering the bruises she had received on that day, "-you would still be moping away for that asshole you called taichou. So who is Toushiro to tell us what the right thing to do is? We're big girls now. We can decide for ourselves."

"...You're right! I don't have to listen to him. He's my _little _brother, so _he _has to listen to _me."_

"Now let's not get carried away," Karin muttered, shuddering. She knew that if Toushiro actually listened to Momo's advice, there would be a litter of Kurosaki-Hitsugaya babies with green eyes and black hair crawling all over Soul Society.

"I'm in, Karin-chan. Let's make this world a better place...for love!"

The raven haired Kurosaki could swear she saw flames shooting in Momo's eyes.

**..ღ..**

"Oh, Kami, this is so wrong."

"_Shh, _Momo. Besides, _you're _the one who was all fired up this afternoon. Where did all that enthusiasm go?"

"I think it vanished around the time we _sneaked into Zaraki-taichou's room, _and stole his master key for the eleventh division. He's going to kill us. I'm too young to die! Well, okay, I'm centuries old. But by Soul Society standards, _I'm too young to die!_"

"Oh, stop being such a pansy. How else were we supposed to get into Ikkaku's house at this time of night to hide a picture of Yumichika in his clothes?"

"Why are we doing this in the first place?" Momo said in a whine.

"Dammit_, _Momo. This is _not _the time for stupid questions. Isn't it obvious? When people see the picture hidden somewhere on him, they'll realize that there is something going on between the two. Now, do you have the photo?"

"Right here!"

And she showed her the very small photograph of Yumichika in her hand, whose face was adorning his signature I'm-better-looking-than-you narcissist smile.

"Momo..."

"Yeah?"

"What the _hell _are _those?"_

"I took the liberty of drawing cute little hearts around his face. This way, everyone will know that the two are a couple."

Karin could not keep her temper in check.

"_Are you stupid_?_!_" Momo jumped, and immediately began apologizing profusely, though she did not know for what. "Does Ikkaku look like the type of guy that draws shitty _hearts _on a picture of someone_?_!_"_

Momo's face fell at the realization that Karin was right. He was definitely not that type.

"Oh. So is this picture no good then?"

Karin sighed in aggravation, pinching the bridge of her nose with her index finger and thumb, and closed her eyes for a moment.

"We have no choice but to use it now. I don't exactly keep pictures of Yumichika handy wherever I go. Hand it over."

Momo brightened as they continued with their plan, and obligingly handed her partner in crime the photograph.

Very quietly, the two tiptoed towards what they assumed was Ikkaku's bedroom. The subordinate rooms in Seireitei all had the same layout, so they simply headed to the area where their own rooms were located, in their own quarters.

"Jackpot," Karin whispered when they opened the door to reveal the third seat asleep on a futon spread out on the floor.

His sleeping posture was very bad. His blanket had been kicked off. His sleeping kimono was hanging open (Momo blushed furiously, and kept her eyes averted from his figure). His legs were spread open, as was his mouth, and there was drool sliding down his cheek. He was snoring loudly, apparently content and oblivious in his dreams, and occasionally, he gave a snort.

Karin rolled her eyes. Somehow, this was exactly how she had imagined he would sleep.

His uniform and sword were hanging on the closet door, not too far away. Karin grabbed Momo's attention – she had been gazing fixedly at the ceiling – and pointed towards the clothes.

Momo's face lit up, and the two crept over to the closet. That's when they hit a snag in their plans.

"Karin-chan," Momo barely whispered, afraid that Ikkaku's years of battle had made his hearing keen, and himself prepared for attack in his sleep. He, however, simply gave a snort as he almost choked on his own drool gathering in his mouth, gave a slight twitch, and then lay still, his snoring rhythmic once again. "How do we put the picture in his clothes if there are no pockets?"

There was a short pause before Karin smacked her head with her palm in irritation.

"Dammit all!"

**..ღ..**

"Alright. No sweat. So the plan last night didn't work out. This time, we'll think of a foolproof one. Any ideas Momo?"

"Hey, you guys! What're you up to?"

Matsumoto appeared out of nowhere. She was beaming, her cheeks were stained a flushed pink, and there was a sake bottle in her hands. She was obviously drunk.

"Oh, hey Ran-chan. We're trying to fi-"

Karin was interrupted when Momo clapped a hand over her mouth, and gave a high-pitched, nervous giggle.

"Oh nothing,"she said quickly. "We were just talking about...um...Ukitake-taichou!"

"Ukitake-taichou?" Matsumoto asked, confused, as she had not heard any interesting news about him lately. And by interesting news, she meant scandalous gossip.

"Ummph-mmpho?" Karin mumbled through the hand on her mouth.

"Yup," Momo replied, sounding unnaturally cheerful, forgetting in her panic that she was speaking of one of her beloved taichou's dire illness. "We heard he had another attack this morning, and I'm worried that he might take a _really _long time to recover."

If Matsumoto had been sober, she would have been sharp enough to see through the obvious lie. However, since she was drunk, she only gasped dramatically.

"Ukitake-taichou's sick?_! _That's terrible! I'm going to go see him!_" _And she shunpoed in the direction of Squad Thirteen.

"What was that about?" Karin demanded, when she had shoved Momo's hand away.

"Karin-chan, we would be such horrible friends if we told Matsumoto about Ayasegawa-san and Madarame-san's problems. You now that when she gets her hands on any piece of gossip, everybody knows in only a couple of hours. And she even publishes it in the newspaper! We need to break the news to everyone gently."

"Oh...right."

That was what Karin said to Momo, but inwardly, she was repeatedly smashing her head against a wall.

"Why didn't I just tell Matsumoto in the first place?_!" _she thought, furious with herself.

**..ღ..**

"This is a stupid idea."

"Oh, hush up, Karin-chan. You just wish you'd thought of it. It's perfect. If they do anything couple-y, we'll get it all on camera."

"And how the hell is broadcasting videos of them making out all over Seireitei "breaking the news to everyone gently?""

Of course, she knew they wouldn't actually make out; she just didn't feel like following the two subjects of her revenge around all day.

Momo rolled her eyes.

"We're not going to _broadcast_ anything. We're going to show Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san the video. Once they see that we know about them and accept them, they'll feel more confident going public with their relationship."

It was Karin's turn to roll her eyes.

"That kind of shit only works out on TV. Most likely, Ikkaku will try to beat the crap out of us for following him around all day and videotaping everything."

"Oh, look!" Momo cried excitedly, completely ignoring Karin, who started grumbling about her "lack of respect." "There's Madarame-san! I think he's on his way to train."

Sure enough, a very shiny dome could be seen bobbing towards the Eleventh's dojo.

The two raven haired shinigami jumped away from the wall they had been hiding behind, and tiptoed after him. Whenever they reached the next conjunction of paths, they would hide again, and peek at him, to make sure they were safe.

The idiot did not once realize he was being followed. Instead, he went on his merry way, humming what vaguely sounded like the tune of his famous lucky dance. If you could call it a tune.

"Keep the camera on him,_" _Karin hissed.

Momo nodded, and aimed the lens at the eleventh squad member.

It didn't take long for the three to reach the dojo. Inside, they could hear the sounds of battle cries and loud cheers that signified there was a spar going on.

The closer the three got, the stronger the stench of sweat got too. Karin and Ikkaku were used to it, because both frequently sparred with members of their own divisions. However, Momo, who had been in a coma for a few months and in rehab for a few years, had grown rusty in suppressing her nausea at the scent of such a strong odor.

"Karin-chan, I think...I'm gonna be _sick..."_

"Don't you _dare, _Momo. I don't care if you have to hold your breath for two hours; if you blow our covers after everything we've done already, I'll tell Toushiro that _you _were the one who sold his pictures to the academy students last month, not Matsumoto."

"I'd been in a coma for so long! My hair was _disgusting_, and the two-in-one shampoo and conditioner with dandruff protection and moisturizing agents from the human world was _so expensive. _I would have sold off my secret collection of Aizen photos at that point."

"Good for you," Karin said after a pause. "Here, gimme the camera. You just focus on not_ puking."_

Momo nodded, handing the camera to her, and started breathing slowly through her mouth.

Karin whipped the camera in the direction of the dojo, and noticed, to her satisfaction, that Ikkaku had taken a seat next to Yumichika.

"That is _sooo _cute," Momo commented. She had pinched her nose shut with her fingers, so her voice came out nasally.

"Yeah, yeah. We don't need _cute. _We need hot and heavy. Oh wait, I think they're doing something."

She zoomed in with her camera, trying to get a good look.

"Oh, they're just making bets on the spar," she said in disappointment.

The spying got boring really fast. The two seated themselves behind some shrubs, making sure to keep the camera at an angle that would capture everything, should anything happen, and then simply proceeded to get bored. Nothing did happen though, except for the required training that was taking place.

"Can't they just hurry up?" Karin snapped after an hour of sitting under the hot rays of the sun. Momo clucked her tongue disapprovingly.

"You can't rush love, Karin-chan. If you just took my advice and asked out Shiro-chan, you would know that."

"Oh, would you just _drop it?_" Karin grumbled. "Honestly, you play _one _game of soccer, and suddenly the _world_ is out to get you together. I played soccer with my other guy friends practically my entire life, but nobody ever tried to force me with any of them."

"I thought that was because one of them actually asked you out on his own."

"How the hell do you know that_?_!_"_ Karin screeched in a whisper (which was quite a feat), reddening at the memory of dumbass Kazuya announcing on the school PA system that he was in love with her, had been for years, and wished to take her on a date. They didn't speak for weeks.

Momo giggled.

"Shiro-chan was in such a bad mood when he heard about that."

"He was actually in a bad mood because Matsumoto got drunk and trashed the paperwork. It was just a coincidence that those two events happened on the same day."

"If I remember correctly, the _reason _Matsumoto got drunk was to celebrate your "finally becoming a woman and getting a love confession," so it _wasn't _a coincidence that both events happened on the same day."

"...Smartass."

Momo smirked and leaned back comfortably into the shrub, knowing that if that was the only witty reply Karin could come up with, she had won the argument.

**..ღ..**

It wasn't until the training session ended and the eleventh squad members that had gathered left that something interesting happened.

"Karin-chan, _Karin-chan."_

Karin mumbled a quick _"go away" _as someone tried to rouse her from her sleep, before turning over and settling her head once again on the pile of leaves she had assembled as a pillow.

Momo folded her arms in annoyance, unsure of how to wake her up. She reached out her hands, placed them on Karin's shoulders, and shook her awake furiously.

"What?" Karin hissed, opening her eyes sluggishly and trying to rub the sleep out of them.

"Everyone's leaving," Momo pointed out.

Sure enough, when Karin looked over, the dojo had emptied, leaving only Ikkaku and Yumichika standing inside. Being the third seat, Ikkaku was in charge of locking up the place when his taichou and fukutaichou were not around.

"Where's the camera?" Karin muttered.

"Still in position," Momo muttered. It was still settled on a branch of the shrub, filming everything.

"'Kay. Anything happen while I was asleep?"

Momo looked a little guilty.

"I don't know. I was asleep too. I only woke up when they all started to leave. I swear, when they move, the smell spreads out. It woke me up."

It took Karin only a few seconds to realize that there was a pile of vomit not too far away from them. Momo looked sheepish.

"Don't worry. Nobody knows we're here," she said quickly when she noticed Karin's glare. "They were making too much noise to hear me."

Their attention was caught by a large thud coming from the dojo. Looking over, they saw Ikkaku had slammed the door shut.

"You ready to head out?" he asked Yumichika, who nodded.

Ikkaku put his hand on his shoulder and started moving his arm in a circular motion. He had stripped to his waist, and was covered in sweat, obviously having sparred a few times himself while the two stalkers had been sleeping.

"Oh wait," he suddenly said.

Momo and Karin tensed as he stepped a little closer.

"What is it?" Yumichika asked, not sounding the least bit put out as Ikkaku continued to move closer.

"There's something..."

And then, he put his hand on the fifth seat's face. Although Momo and Karin were at the wrong angle, and only saw the back of Ikkaku's head, they did see him lean closer, and closer...

The first thought that went through Karin's head was, "Oh my _Kami, _they're actually _gay_?_!"_

The second thought was, "_Yes!"_

"There," Ikkaku said, sounding satisfied.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Karin screamed as she jumped out from behind the bushes, jumping in glee like a maniac.

"Karin-chan, what are you-"

"We got it! We got it on film!"

"Kurosaki."

Karin looked over to see Ikkaku and Yumichika staring at her, completely confused.

"What the hell are you doing?" the bald one asked.

"Getting back at you, that's what!" she replied. Without another moment of hesitation, she reached into the shrubs, grabbed the camera, turned off the recording, and took off shunpoing.

"Karin-chan!" she vaguely heard Momo shout. "You're heading the wrong way! Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san are _this _way! What about the plan_?_!"

But Karin was not listening any more. She could give a shit about the plan, because in her hand, she had the ultimate revenge.

She had to show it to somebody; Matsumoto, Kyoraku-taichou, Hisagi maybe, since he was editor of the newspaper. It didn't really matter, as long as she could publicly humiliate that chrome dome!

She burst into the Eight Division taichou's office. To her luck, both Matsumoto and Kyoraku-taichou were there, enjoying a bottle of sake together, and Nanao was out, which was a bonus, because she would have sent a dirty look her way for bursting in like that.

"Karin-chan? What is it?" Matsumoto asked, looking concerned.

"Tape...watch..." Karin wheezed, the mixture of the shunpo and excitement making it almost impossible for her to get a word out.

She settled in between them, flipped open the camera, and rewound it quickly to a good spot.

"What do you have there?" Kyoraku-taichou asked with curiosity.

"This, Kyoraku-taichou, is the result of a hard day's work," Karin answered proudly. She eagerly pressed play, and all three leaned in to watch.

"_Oh wait," _they heard Ikkaku say on screen.

_He moved closer to Yumichika, who was standing next to him._

"_What?" _the Yumichika on screen asked.

"_There's something..."_

This is where the camera came in handy. Although Momo and Karin had not seen anything, the camera had been at the perfect angle to get a side shot.

Karin watched with baited breath as Ikkaku leaned in closer.

_He put his hand on Yumichika's cheek, and got even closer. Then, his hand moved upwards, towards his forehead._

"What is he...?" Karin said, completely confused as to what was happening. This isn't what she saw.

_Ikkaku turned his head slightly, so both his and Yumichika's heads were aligned face-to-face. Then, his hand finally reached Yumichika's forehead. Or more accurately, his eyebrows._

_He reached out, and straightened one of the feathers attached to Yumichika's eyebrows that had been slightly crooked._

"_There," _the Ikkaku on tape said, sounding satisfied.

A little hazily, Karin heard her own voice screaming _"yes, yes, yes!" _ecstatically, on the camera, but she had zoned out by this point.

"Um...Karin-chan, what did you want us to see?" Matsumoto asked her, sounding puzzled.

Oh, screw it. She would just buy a new soccer ball herself. They were only 800 yen anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>This fic will be a series of one-shots centred around Karin, along with Bleach characters I either wish she had more fics with, or characters she has <em>no <em>fics with (hence the title). Or any random idea that pops into my head.**

**Pairings and characters will vary, although Karin will always be a main character. You can let me know if there is someone you want her to have a fic with, or a plot you want to see written out, and I'll see what I can do.**

**Updates will not be very consistent. I'll write if I get an idea or inspiration, but I do have my other stories to worry about. I have a one-shot in-progress right now, and I have an idea for 2-3 more, so we'll see when I get around to writing, or completing, those.**

**A note to HitsuKarin fans: ****Sometimes I'll pair Karin with Hitsugaya, and sometimes I'll pair her with other characters (just look at the top to see what the pairings will be). But if I ever write a one-shot based solely on HitsuKarin, I'll publish it as its own fic. This way, if you don't want to stay up-to-date with this fic, you don't have to worry about missing any major HitsuKarin moments.**


	2. Ch 2: Yamada Hanatarou

**Title: **Play Troubles and Petrified Healers

**Summary: **"Are you serious? We're in high school, and we're putting on Disney?" In which Karin will not admit defeat, and Hanatarou suffers the brunt of her temper.

**Characters: **Karin, Hanatarou, lots of OCs; mentions of Yamamoto, Isshin, and Ichigo

**Pairings: **Karin x Hanatarou (ha ha, not really)

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. Nor do I own Disney, Sleeping Beauty, or the Mona Lisa (I don't think I need a disclaimer for that but, eh, better safe than sorry).**

* * *

><p>"Look, I'm sorry Kurosaki-san, but we simply cannot tolerate your behavior any longer. You have the largest record of any other student – even your brother wasn't this bad! The fighting, the backtalk, the disregard of rules and respect -"<p>

"I give respect where it's deserved, and those shitty teachers don't deserve it!" Karin shot back heatedly.

The principal only sighed wearily, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

"I'm sorry you feel this way, but you simply cannot call your teacher a -" he ruffled through some files on his desk, trying to find the discipline referral her teacher had sent to the principal's office along with her, "- a "bitchy old hag with more makeup on than a prostitute," simply because she gave you too much homework."

"She knows my team has an important soccer game this weekend!" Karin argued. "She only gave us the workload because she hates me, and wants to make me miserable."

"Now, be rational Kurosaki-san. I'm sure Suzuki-sensei only gave the homework she thought was necessary for your learning."

Karin snorted disbelievingly. Her principal glared disapprovingly at the action.

"All right. I can see it's impossible to try to make you see reason. Therefore, I have no choice but to give you a half-hour detention for misconduct."

"What_?_! That's not fair!"

The principal sent her a stern look.

"It is completely fair, Kurosaki-san. It does not matter that you are our school's girls soccer team's star player, you will be treated like any other student, and any other student would receive detention."

Karin grumbled, not able to think of an argument. The principal pulled a sheet of paper out of his drawer, and began writing furiously. He handed it to her once he finished.

"Present this to the teacher in charge of supervising detention. I expect you to be there, 3:00 sharp."

"Yeah, yeah. I know the drill."

The door slammed shut behind her.

**..ღ..**

Karin was on a soccer high the following Monday. Her team had won their game. They were going to regionals!

"_Oof_. Oh, s-sorry, K-Kurosaki-san. I-I didn't see you..."

The frightened student trailed off, afraid of her wrath. To his surprise, she only flashed him a wide grin.

"No problem Hanatarou. It was my fault too."

The trembling boy stared at her incredulously, because he was well aware of her famous temper, having witnessed it quite a few times himself.

They had met when he had enrolled in Karakura High, landing in the classroom next to hers. Of course, it wasn't his choice to be here. He had been perfectly content with his job at a local convenient store near the Kurosaki home. But one day, while he had been on duty at the cash register, a cop had strolled in. After a very awkward stand-off, during which the police officer had appraised him closely, eying his short stature and childish face, the law enforcer had concluded that he was a rebellious youth, skipping school.

The man's memory of the incident had been wiped soon after, mostly because he had taken Hanatarou by the scruff of his neck and _dragged _him forcefully in the direction of the police station to discover his identity. Soon after, his partner had showed up, and it turned into a huge mess with many police officers involved, mostly because there _were _no records on the suspected youth. They had all had their memories wiped too.

Yamamoto had then decided that any young-looking shinigami that entered the Living World would be expected to enroll into the closest high school, hence Hanatarou's current location.

"Y-you're in a good mood today, Kurosaki-san."

Karin looked at him strangely, not realizing her happiness was so apparent to others. He misunderstood.

"Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything, so please don't beat me up!"

His head was bowed so low his nose could touch his knees, and he was holding his hands clapped together in front of her face, apparently begging. Karin burst out laughing.

"Hey, relax Hana-chi. I'm not going to eat you."

"_Chi?_" he repeated, sounding pained. She grinned.

"Sorry, but you just sort of give off that vibe, you know?"

He wanted to grumble and snap, "no, I _don't _know." But, of course, being Hanatarou, he did not.

"Well, I've gotta get to class. See ya around Hana-chi!"

Hanatarou groaned pathetically as many students, who had heard the new nickname, looked over at him and snickered.

**..ღ..**

"You lousy bitch! You're only doing this because you've got nothing else going on in your life! Well, that doesn't make it okay to mess with mine!"

"I will not be spoken to that way, Kurosaki!" Suzuki-sensei screeched. "Hold your tongue."

"Ladies, please," the principal tried to calm them.

Karin rounded on him.

"She can't _make _me do this."

"Oh, I most certainly can. You are a troublemaker Kurosaki, and if you think you can just _waltz _through life without facing any consequences, you are sorely mistaken."

The principal sighed.

"She has a point, Kurosaki-san. You need to start thinking about your future. No college will want to let you in if you have such horrible records for behavior problems."

"I wouldn't have such a large record if _she -_" she pointed towards Suzuki-sensei dramatically, "-didn't keep _making up_ reasons to kick me out of class."

Her teacher only smirked.

"I knew it. You teenagers are all alike; you all think you're perfect, and that we teachers are only fakingall the problems. How childish."

Karin growled, seriously contemplating whether to claw at her face, hopefully mess up that less than perfect makeup job, which no doubt took hours in front of the mirror in the morning.

"This is a good thing for you, Kurosaki-san," the principal reasoned gently. "It will be a good mark on your record, as well as expand your extracurricular activities page."

"I'm already in track and soccer."

"Those are both only athletics. It would do you good to have an artistic activity as well. It's not as if we're asking you to paint the Mona Lisa; we just need a student to direct the school production this year. Besides, track season is over, and your next soccer game is not for months."

"We still have practice!"

"That is enough!" Suzuki-sensei suddenly cried. "This has already been decided. No arguments."

She reached into her bag, pulled out a manila folder packed with a large stack of papers, and shoved it into Karin's hands.

"You should count yourself lucky. Auditions for the play are already over, so you only need to worry about directing."

"_Only -"_

"These papers," her teacher pressed on, "are all the scripts, and sets and costumes information. Your actors and department heads will be waiting for this today after school. There's practice every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The play is in four weeks, and I expect it to be spectacular."

Here, she lowered her horn-rimmed glasses to the bottom of her nose, to properly administer her glare.

"If I get even the slightest whiff of sabotage on your part – bad acting, too many forgotten lines, unfinished sets, ruined costumes – I _will _get you suspended," she threatened.

"Doesn't anybody care what I have to say about this?" the principal asked weakly from behind his desk, tugging at his collar in nervousness. He could have been related to Hanatarou with the way he acted.

**..ღ..**

"Alright, maggots, listen up!"

Many of the kids packed in the auditorium jumped at her sudden call to attention.

"I'm going to be your director for this play, um..." she quickly flipped open the heavy folder in her hand, to check which play they were performing. "..._Sleeping Beauty – _wait, are you _serious? _We're in high school, and we're putting on Disney?"

The kids only murmured amongst themselves, no one daring to rebuke her.

"Whatever. I've got scripts here, so everyone line up and grab one."

She left the actors and actresses to get their lines, and talked with the head set and costume designers, giving them their respective information, and discussing their ideas and plans for their jobs. When she was satisfied, she set them loose.

"_Che, this is easy," _she thought to herself. _"Guess your plan didn't work out, Suzuki-sensei."_

However, when she turned to the cast members, she noticed a problem.

"Hey, why is there a script left over?"

The very painfully shy girl who played Sleeping Beauty – she had been forced to audition by her mother – spoke up.

"Um, the boy who played Prince Phillip is out with mono. Didn't Suzuki-sensei tell you we needed to hold auditions for another one?"

"...Son of a _biscuit!"_

**..ღ..**

"I told that stupid principal she was out to get me! Now I have proof. When I get my hands on her..."

Because of her rage, Karin, once again, walked straight into a student walking in the opposite direction.

"S-sorry, K-Kurosaki-san -"

"Watch where you're going!" she snarled, already ticked off too much to care about manners.

However, when she finally faced the offending student, she came face-to-face with Hanatarou, who was trembling because of her sudden mood change from this morning. He looked frightened, petrified, shocked, you name it.

A bright light from the heavens shined upon him. Angels sang in the background. Karin looked towards the sky, joyful tears streaming down her face.

"Thank you," she whispered, her hands clapped together in a sort of prayer. Suddenly, she snapped from her trance, lunged towards the shaking shinigami, grabbed his hands in her own, and shoved her face into his, looking down at the short boy with a mischievous smirk.

"Hana-chi."

"Y-yes...?"

"We're friends, right?"

Hanatarou gulped, sensing something horrible was going to happen to him.

"Y-yes...?"

"And, as my friend, if I was ever in any trouble, you would help me out, right?"

"Y-yes...?"

"Great!"

And she grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, and dragged him along with her. To where, he did not know.

The whole scene reminded him of the police officer incident, which had landed him in school in the first place.

Yup. Something horrible was definitely going to happen to him now.

**..ღ..**

His intuition had been right.

"Come on, you pansies! It's just one little kiss! Don't _pretend _to be such prudes!"

"Kurosaki-san. This is really too much. You can't expect them to just kiss on the first day."

Karin immediately hounded on her assistant director, her face set in a terrifying scowl.

"And why _can't_ I? We've got four weeks people, so get your acts together!"

She set her glare on the two terror-stricken leads on stage, especially the shy Fourth Squad healer, who had been pushed onto the stage with a high school girl and script in hand all but five minutes ago.

"Hana-chi! If you don't want me telling my brother you were trying to grope me, I better see some lip action real soon!"

Hanatarou squeaked in fear, but did not move from his place, too frozen in terror.

Karin sighed in exasperation, pinching the bridge of her nose, as if their inability to perform her unreasonable request was _so troublesome._

"Alright, fine. We'll practice some other scenes. But you two," she pointed accusingly at the timid stars. "When the curtain finally goes up on opening night, you had better be able to fucking _make out _on my command, got it?"

**..ღ..**

Everyone's hard work, and toleration of Karin's attitude, paid off in the end.

The sets and costumes were spectacular. The costumes for Sleeping Beauty and Prince Phillip had been rented from a theater company in Tokyo. However, when they arrived, the department saw an immediate problem.

They had ordered clothes corresponding with the size of the previous Prince. Hanatarou, bless his little soul, was less than half the size of the previous actor. Thankfully, this happened a week before opening night, and so the designers immediately put together a wonderful outfit in Hanatarou's size.

When the cast and crew entered the school auditorium a week later, they were all excited, feeling proud of themselves. They had worked and toiled away for this day, and now that it was here, they were anxious to finally present their work.

Karin was satisfied too. She had done a very thorough job with this production, staying late after each practice and making sure each little thing was acceptable. This might have started out as a punishment in her eyes, but soon her stubborn personality had taken over, and she had refused to settle for anything less than perfection.

The kiss problem had been solved too. She had agreed to let the two fake an air kiss. Although the painfully shy leads were still uncomfortable with getting so close together, it was less embarrassing than actually kissing, and so they had practiced making their air kiss look as real as possible. It had been deemed satisfactory by Karin.

But when everyone was getting into their roles, the head costume designer arrived, looking terrified and near tears.

"What happened?"

She gulped.

"I took Prince Phillip's costume home with me to put on some finishing touches; a red sash, a few badges, a hole needed to be patched up on a knee -"

"What happened_?" _Karin repeated, more persistently.

"Well, I set it down to get dinner, a-and my cat got to it -"

The entire crew groaned collectively as she pulled the shredded remains of the costume out of her backpack. Karin looked like she could _murder _someone. Presumably the one responsible for leaving her work lying around for any cat to scratch up.

"What are we supposed to do now_?_!" she cried.

"Well, there's still the professional costume we received last week," one of the other designers remembered.

"Yes, but that doesn't fit Hanatarou-san," said another.

"Well, to be honest, none of the costumes do, do they?" another piped up, sounding amused. Hanatarou blushed.

"That's not true," the head designer suddenly piped up. "He fits in Sleeping Beauty's costume."

Everyone burst out laughing at the boy's expense, except for Karin. She looked like she could kiss the girl she had just wanted to murder.

"That's it! Hana-chi will be our new Sleeping Beauty!"

Everyone looked at her like she was crazy.

"Um, Kurosaki-san, we already have a Sleeping Beauty, remember?"

But Karin was not perturbed. She nodded in agreement, but still looked excited.

"Yes, but she's taller and less skinnier than Hana-chi." Said boy blushed again, more deeply. "It would look a lot less weird if we put_ her_ in Prince Phillip's costume and rolled up the sleeves and pant legs."

Suddenly, the costume designers were nodding.

"Hmm, that could work."

"It wouldn't look as baggy on her."

"Ano, I really don't want to play Sleeping Beauty," Hanatarou murmured, but he was ignored.

"But she doesn't know Prince Phillip's lines," someone pointed out. Karin frowned.

"Does anybody know them?"

"Kurosaki-san, didn't you memorize them to help Aiko-chan with her practice?"

Karin immediately turned towards Aiko, their female lead.

"Do you mind?"

"Oh no," she said quickly, shaking her head and her hands for emphasis. She was absolutely delighted to lose the part she hadn't wanted in the first place (Hanatarou was not so lucky). "Take my part, _please._"

Karin was whisked away to be fitted into her costume. Hanatarou followed.

"Kurosaki-san, I really don't think -"

"_Do you have some sort of complaint?" _she thundered, setting her most frightening glare on him.

He shook his head furiously, and ran off to get his new costume.

"_I swear I saw the Gates of Hell open up behind her just now," _he whimpered in his mind.

**..ღ..**

"Poor Briar Rose had fallen into a slumber from which she would not awaken," a narrator's voice said over the speakers in the auditorium. The audience was watching with excitement.

Suzuki-sensei had walked in five minutes before the play began. She had inspected the sets, the costumes, and the actors closely with a thoughtful expression on her face. They could have sworn they heard her snort when she caught sight of Karin and Hanatarou in their costumes, but then she had stalked off to her seat without a word. Karin had flipped her off once she had turned around, much to the amusement of the other students.

"However, Prince Phillip, the only one who could save her, had been kidnapped by the wicked Maleficent."

Lights suddenly shone again on the stage to reveal Karin, in her prince attire and her hair in a ponytail, tied up to a post.

"Whoo! That's my baby!" she could hear her father yelling from somewhere in the audience. Behind her back, she curled her hand into an irritated fist.

"The fairies quickly freed Prince Phillip," the narrator narrated the actions happening on the stage. "They gave him a sword and shield, so he could save his beloved."

The lights dimmed again, and the curtain went down for the scene change. Karin rushed off stage, a new scenery was put in the background, and Hanatarou was rolled out on his wheeled bed. He looked absolutely mortified in his costume, but very realistic. The dress had been altered at the bottom to fit him and not hang on the floor, his hair had been pulled back with a clip, and he had heavy makeup applied on his face, to hide the fact that he was a boy – it made him look a little like Suzuki-sensei.

This is when the trouble started; just as the curtain went up again, both Karin and Hanatarou whipped their heads towards the exit, sensing the same eerie feeling.

A Hollow! And Hanatarou was undoubtedly the only healer near it. They could sense a shinigami already battling it, but thier reiatsu was dropping alarmingly fast, in need of asisstance - by a healer.

To her horror, Karin saw the shinigami pull out a small bottle with a rabbit head on top.

Not thinking clearly, she rushed out as soon as the lights turned on again.

"Don't you dare, Hana-chi!" she screeched, and she lunged at the boy lying on the cot across the stage. Just as she pounced on him, he swallowed his Soul Candy.

"I'm very, very sorry, Kurosaki-san!" he cried in his soul form as he hauled ass out the door, not giving her a chance to attack him.

"You son of a _biscuit! _Get back here before I _strangle_ you."

There was a collective soft gasp from the audience. Karin came to her senses, and when she looked down, she realized her hands were wrapped tightly around the gigai shaped like Hanatarou, who had turned a _very _disturbing shade of blue.

She blinked. The cast and crew blinked. The audience blinked.

It took her all but two seconds to realize she was in deep shit (she could practically _see _the suspension slip Suzuki-sensei was no doubt writing at her seat right this second), and another two seconds to adopt a fake look of concern.

"Oh, my dear Briar Rose," she cried, deepening her voice. "What has that evil witch done to you_?_!"

And she sent a deadly glare towards the students gathered at the curtains: _Play along!_

It was suddenly hectic back stage. The audience could hear the loud crashes and screams, and suddenly, a large paper-mache dragon was shoved onto the stage.

"Um, uh...a dragon!" the narrator was trying desperately to pull himself together. "A great dragon appeared before Prince Phillip and it -"

"What the hell! Why am I in a dress_?_!" a scratchy voice was suddenly heard. "Get me out of this thing."

Everyone looked on stage to see Hanatarou, not even pretending to be asleep, staring down at himself in disgust. To Karin's horror, the soul inside the gigai suddenly yanked at the fabric, pulling it over his head.

"What the hell are you doing, stripping on stage!" she shrieked.

She bolted towards him, tackling him to the ground, and hiding him from the view of the kids in the audience.

"Hey, get off of me, crazy woman!"

The fake soul shoved her, the dress still stuck on his head and pinning his arms within the crossed sleeves. Karin went flying backwards.

_Rip!_

The raven haired tomboy tumbled straight through the dragon that had still been standing uselessly in the middle of the stage. Its body tore in two, and with no more support to keep it standing, the head rolled off.

"..."

"...And Prince Phillip defeated the mighty dragon!" the narrator cried, hoping to save the show. There was scattered applause among the highly confused audience.

Karin groaned, clutching her head in pain as she sat up.

"King Phillip pulled away from the giant beast's body, watching in triumph and satisfaction as his breathing stopped." Apparently, the storyteller was on a roll. He grabbed the mike from its stand, speaking into it passionately. "He picked up his sword and shield, his path to the princess now clear. But, oh no! Maleficent suddenly appeared, blocking his way."

There was only silence. The actress who played Maleficent stood at the edge of the stage, too terrified to step out when so many strange things were happening. Karin, knowing she had no choice, clutched her sword, and chucked it, as hard as she could, at the student standing behind the curtains.

_Thud!_

All the audience saw was a female body, clad in black, fall out from behind the curtain, unconscious. Prince Phillip's sword was lying next to her.

**..ღ..**

As chaos ensued, all the Kurosaki on stage could make sense of was a few screams from the audience ("Oh my Kami, she killed her!" "I don't think she's breathing!"), and the narrator trying to calm everyone ("And Prince Phillip's sword made contact with Maleficent's heart, killing her on the spot"), ineffectively. And then, one small detail registered in her brain.

It was Hanatarou. He was back from taking care of the shinigami battling the Hollow, and was watching the scene with wide eyes, trembling from shock. He slowly stepped onto the stage, pulled down the dress still suffocating the poor gigai, stepped back into his body, and then simply lay back onto the cot quietly with his eyes closed, not realizing what he had done by departing.

"_You!" _Karin screeched, ready to _make _him realize it. "This is all _your_ fault." And she ran across the stage for what felt like the umpteenth time.

The audience fell silent as they watched Prince Phillip approach Princess Aurora. The ever helpful student narrating from the back of the theater piped up with a fake dialogue.

"The Prince stared at Briar Rose with passion in his eyes, finally having a chance to awaken her from her slumber." The audience slowly relaxed, deducting from the calmness of the cast and crew that all this had been planned.

Karin payed them no mind. Their was only one painful thought going through her head.

"_There's only one way to save this play now," _she had realized.

Hanatarou waited in nervous anticipation as he felt a shadow loom over him, realizing it was Karin. It was time for the fake kiss!

"Hana-chi!" he heard a hissed whisper in his ear. When he opened his eyes in confusion, he jumped at the deadly glare Karin was sending him from her place kneeling beside his cot.

"If you do _anything _to make a scene and ruin the play after this," she threatened in a low warning tone, "I'll rip your eyes out of their sockets, and _feed _them to you."

And before the poor boy could react, she had grabbed him by the front of his dress, yanked him into a seated position, and locked her lips to his in a heated kiss. The audience burst into excited applause, whooping and cheering while Karin secretly wiped her lips with the back of her hand.

Hanatarou waited until the lights had gone down and the curtains had closed before falling back into a dead faint.

* * *

><p><strong>I decided to just make up a Mod Soul for Hanatarou, for the sake of the story.<strong>

**In case you're wondering, _-chi _is a suffix in Japan that is the cuter version of _-chan_, and is used between young girls and their friends. By using this, Karin is sort of making fun of Hanatarou's timid and shy nature, and this is why he doesn't like her using it.**

**I initially planned this as a Karin and Momo fic a _long _time ago, but since my first chapter ended up featuring the two of them, I thought, "Which other shinigami is kind enough to let Karin bully them?" And then I realized, Hanatarou is a complete push-over! And as an added bonus, the two hardly appear in the same fic together, so this was born! I hope you enjoyed it.**


	3. Ch 3: Zaraki Kenpachi

**Title:** Break-Ups and Bumbling Boyfriends

**Summary: **"Taichou, don't you know what giving a _diamond ring_ to a woman _means?_" In which Karin attempts to give love advice, and Kenpachi is desperate enough to follow it.

**Main Characters: **Karin, Kenpachi, Unohana, brief appearances by Ikkaku, Yumichika, Toushiro, and Isane; mentions of Yachiru

**Pairings: **Kenpachi x Unohana, brief HitsuKarin

**Note: **This chapter is dedicated to **Evil-Chibi-Tiffy**, who requested this a _long _time ago. I checked with her first to make sure the Kenpachi x Unohana pairing was okay, and I already knew she was a fan of HitsuKarin, so this was written mostly for her as a thank you for requesting a fic/character ^^ If anyone else has a character or plot they want to read, just let me know and I'll try my best!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.**

* * *

><p>Zaraki Kenpachi had gotten himself into quite a pickle.<p>

And really, just the idea of him using the word '_pickle' _to describe his dilemma was an indicator of how serious the situation was. The tough and brutish captain of the bloodthirsty eleventh squad had...well, pissed off his girlfriend.

Now, many might not think this would be a big deal. Surely _the _Zaraki Kenpachi was capable of handling such a situation without making such a big deal about it? Just a slap here or there, and maybe a bit of deranged furniture smashing to show off his power and scare the woman back into her place, and everything would be solved, right?

_Wrong. _Because, despite his thirst for blood, gore, and battle, the overbearing man knew how to treat women. He might have no problem with knocking his men around during a few bouts of friendly sparring (though their broken extremities suggested _they _thought otherwise), but he would never, _ever _even _think _of laying a hand on his woman. Well, not in _that _way, at least.

So this was what presented the aforementioned _'pickle.' _How did he go about getting back into her good graces?

The truth was (and he would never admit this to anyone)...she kind of set him on edge. That perfectly fixed smile and poise always had him wondering what she was really thinking behind the mask. Of course, when she was angry – and _boy, _had she been _angry__ –_ it wasn't very hard to figure out what was running through her mind. And the way that creepy smile had widened ever so slightly and her reiatsu had sparked around her menacingly told him he was in deep, _deep _shit.

And yet he couldn't fathom _why. _They'd been having such a lovely conversation in her barracks, her setting the tea as he relaxed from a hard day's training schedule. She had been concerned for his health, and so she had insisted he kick off his sandals and lay back with ease.

And then, as abruptly as a bullet train, he had found himself on the other side of her front door, face-to-face with her fixed yet furious smile and being handed his sandals and zanpakutou in a not-so-gentle manner. She had told him to go on home, because surely his squad was worried about where he was. And when he had bent down for a kiss – he didn't show affection very often, but at the time, not realizing she was angry, he had thought she looked so _sexy _with fire blazing in her eyes – she had pushed him away, claiming she didn't feel well.

And now, whenever he tried sending a Hell Butterfly to her division to inquire about her health, he only got messages from her fukutaichou claiming that her taichou couldn't spare time right now to talk. He just didn't get it. And he knew better than to ask her because, though she didn't complain much, he knew his insensitivity was a touchy issue for her.

What he needed was some sort of interpreter or something. Someone who could tell him just what the hell was going on inside his woman's head. But who? There weren't many people he could trust to give him advice on women, or people he knew would keep the situation under wraps. Soul Society had lots of gossip whores, after all.

And God forbid he turned to Yachiru.

**.. ღ ..**

"Kami, taichou, what's gotten into you recently?"

Kenpachi looked up from his bowl of rice to see Karin and Ikkaku both watching him carefully and Yumichika listening in as he picked at his fish. They were all seated cross-legged at the eleventh division dining hall, having themselves a large dinner after all the sparring they had done today. All the other members were too busy with their own meals and chatter to pay attention to them. Yachiru, after yawning widely and nearly dozing off in the middle of the grounds, had already been put to bed. Kenpachi, having been so keyed up about the issue with his girlfriend, hadn't been able to lie down for his afternoon nap and, therefore, had forgotten to put her down for hers.

"You've been acting really weird," Karin continued, returning to her own bowl.

"Yeah," Ikkaku chimed in. "Ya never forget to put the little bugger down for her nap. Ya know how she gets."

Kenpachi only grunted, returning to his meal and not bothering to offer any explanation. It was none of their goddamn business.

"Something up with you?" Karin asked, narrowing her eyes at him suspiciously. Their taichou never bothered keeping secrets from them before – he never really had any, being such a straightforward man.

"We can help, ya know," Ikkaku offered, rubbing the back of his neck as he did so, unused to showing concern, no matter how subtle. But this was his beloved taichou!

"I'm afraid _your _help is most likely to make the situation worse, if anything," Yumichika drawled. The third seat glared heatedly at him.

"You tryin' to start somethin'?" he demanded menacingly. Karin rolled her eyes at his quick temper, but Yumichika remained unaffected.

"No, I'm trying to _fix _something," he remarked, a superior grin on his face indicating he knew something they didn't. When Ikkaku only looked at him in confusion, he smirked. "Taichou needs the help of someone who can give him good advice on his private matters...unless you've got some sort of experience in _love_ I don't know about."

Kenpachi froze mid bite, and all three subordinates swerved to look at him.

"This has something to do with Unohana-taichou?" Karin speculated.

"Rumor has it that taichou's in a bit of hot water with his girlfriend," Yumichika supplied, flicking his hair coolly as he did so.

"What rumors?" Kenpachi demanded. "Who's spreadin' these rumors!"

"What did you do, taichou?" Ikkaku immediately asked.

Kenpachi glared at him for the assumption.

"Nothin'," he grunted. "She went off on me for no damn reason."

Karin rolled her eyes.

"Right, because Unohana-taichou's totally the type to do that," she remarked sarcastically, waving her chopsticks at him. "Come on, taichou. We're all eleventh squad members here; you can be honest with us. So tell us, _what __did __you __do_?"

She looked completely unaffected by the evil eye the much larger man was giving her, so he sighed roughly.

"Look, I have no fuckin' idea what happened. One minute, she's askin' me my division plans for the month, and the next, she's givin' me that creepy smile of hers that always means she's mad and basically kickin' me out."

"Ah-ha!" Yumichika said, snapping his fingers and looking like he had just discovered the meaning of life. "So it's not what you _did_ but what you _said._"

"Right," Karin chimed in. "What did you say when she asked you your plans for this month?"

Kenpachi gazed at them all blankly for a second before shrugging.

"I told her we hadta cancel our annual battle royal," he recalled, "on accounta Yachiru wantin' to celebrate Easter after Karin told her 'bout all the chocolate she could get...an' then I told her she should be happy 'cause it meant a break for her division..."

The rest of the group – even Ikkaku – groaned collectively. Karin even slapped her forehead with her palm in exasperation.

"What?"

"Don't you see, taichou?" she reprimanded. "You basically just told her that her division doesn't do anything...besides clean up after yours."

"Ya know how pissy – I-I mean, defensive," Ikkaku corrected himself when catching sight of Kenpachi's glower, "she gets when someone makes fun of her squad."

"And if even Ikkaku understands that," Karin continued, "then you _know _you're in the wrong."

"Hey, what's _that _supposed ta mean_?_!"

The two argued, but Kenpachi wasn't listening anymore. Was that true? Was she really just angry because she'd misunderstood his words? Couldn't she just have _told _him that and saved him all this worry and trouble?

_'Women,' _he thought irritably, digging into his plate once again and planning a visit to the fourth in the morning. _'Always __so __emotional.'_

**.. ღ ..**

_Knock! Knock!_

Karin yawned widely as she headed for the door to her quarters, running a hand sloppily through her unruly bed head.

"Who the _hell _is knocking so freaking ear – taichou?" Her grumbles changed to a tone of surprise when she came face-to-face with her superior. "What the _hell _happened _to __you?_"

"Unohana," was his only gruff reply.

He was covered head-to-toe in water, his clothes sopping wet and hanging heavily off his body, his spiky hair drooping slightly at the ends as the rigid texture softened. He trudged inside when she stepped aside to allow him entry and waited by the door as she ran off to her bathroom to get a towel. Upon her return, she threw the drying cloth at him – he caught it with ease.

"Now, you wanna tell me what happened exactly?" she suggested, folding her arms across her chest as she watched him dry his face.

"I went ta talk ta her; she was waterin' her gardens."

He paused here, as if expecting her to get it by just that, but she simply stared at him blankly.

"'Fore I even said anythin', she sprayed me with that damn _thing _from the human world – a _hose? _Claimed she hadn't known I was there – liar; she can sense reiatsu a helluva lot better than me – and when I tried talkin' to her anyway, she all but kicked me out 'gain, sayin' I would catch a cold if I didn't dry off. She was real cheeky 'bout it, too," he grunted, glaring at the towel in his hand as if it had caused the problems. And then, he continued on to quote her, though he didn't bother to imitate her voice, "_'I __just __got __a __break __from __work, __what __with __your __members __not __gettin' __hurt __this __month. __I'd __like __ta __enjoy __my __time __off, __dear.'_ And ta think I was gonna 'pologize! I bet she didn't even mean it when she called me _dear!_"

Karin patted his bulky arm sympathetically, pursing her lips to keep from laughing.

"Well, taichou," she said, "you _did _hurt her feelings. You can't expect her to forgive you so easily."

"Then what do I _do?_" he questioned.

She was slightly taken aback at the question, her mouth slackening in surprise before she cleared her throat awkwardly.

"I don't know if I'm the best person to ask for help with this -" she began.

"What?" he demanded, glaring down at her. "You tellin' me you an' that ice midget you screw 'round with don't get inta fights?"

"We're not -" But she cut herself off, knowing how ridiculous that sounded, especially when Kenpachi had raised an eyebrow at her sleep wear, which consisted of only a small shirt with the tenth division emblem printed right above her left breast.

"Fine," she grumbled, flushing. "But, no, we don't get into fights. He doesn't talk enough for us to get into arguments, and I like that he's a quiet guy, so it's not like I'll pick a fight about _no __communication_ or some shit like that."

"Ya sayin' ya don't fight _at __all?_" he grunted with incredulity.

"Hmm, there was _one,_" she remembered. "He missed one of my soccer games after he promised to be there, and I got really pissed."

"So how'd ya solve it?" he wanted to know.

She smirked. "We pretty much just sparred until I got all my anger out. But Unohana-taichou's never been one for fighting, so that's not gonna solve your problem."

He groaned, rubbing the towel against his hair as he thought.

"So, then, what _will _solve my problem?" he asked, sounding slightly pained. Her mouth pursed in a soft _'o'_ before she grimaced.

"Did you actually come to _me _for love advice?" When he nodded, looking down at her seriously, she sighed. "Look, taichou, I'm flattered and all that you want my advice, but I'm not your gal. Maybe Yumichika – wait, that came out wrong."

"You're the only woman on the squad," he grunted, his eyes glinting as he looked down at her. Yachiru was still considered only a 'girl.'

"But I'm not exactly the womanly type," she pointed out. "Me and Unohana-taichou are completely different, so the things I like might not apply to her."

"Worth a shot."

Karin sighed, running her hand through the tangled mess that was her hair, stuck in a dilemma. She wanted to help her taichou, but she was afraid that her advice would only lose him his girlfriend forever. And she _really _didn't want to be on his hit list for the next century. Then again, refusing might do the same, so what did she have to waste in this lose-lose situation?

"Fine, taichou," she agreed with a heavy sigh. "I guess I could try to help, though don't blame me if anything goes wrong."

"We'll see 'bout that when somethin' goes wrong," he said with a dark chuckle. She tried to look unaffected as he tossed her towel back. "I should get goin' 'fore Yachiru wakes up. We'll figure this out later."

"Sure, sure," she agreed absentmindedly, practically shoving him out her door in her hurry to get rid of him. When he was finally gone, she leaned against the door, sighing very deeply. Oh, great – what had she gotten herself into? How the hell was she supposed to go about saving Kenpachi's relationship, which had been completely implausible to begin with?

This was not her forte. Really, maybe she should talk to Yuzu, or Matsumoto, or Yumichika. They would surely have some good advice since they lived for this kind of gossip and drama. Yeah, that could work. She smiled as she reassured herself.

"Is he gone?" an icy voice asked from the hallway, pulling her out of her thoughts. She smirked as she looked over to see the face of her scowling boyfriend and nodded.

"Che, good," he muttered. "Where does he get off calling me an 'ice midget?'"

She laughed, not caring that the wet towel in her hand fell to the floor as she sauntered over to him, knowing what would make him feel better. And indeed, his scowl instantly dropped when she placed her hands on his shoulders and looked down at him slyly.

"Come on," she whispered. "There's no way I can go back to sleep now, and there's still an hour left before work."

He nodded and took one of her hands in his own, cradling it gently as he led her to the bedroom.

Kenpachi grimaced as he ran off to his own quarters. Though inept at sensing reiatsu, as close as he was to Karin's quarters, even _he _couldn't miss the intertwining of two very familiar spiritual pressures into one.

**.. ღ ..**

"Don't tell anyone else," was the first thing Kenpachi said to her when they met again in his office.

She froze in shock and then groaned. There went her security blanket.

"I don't need all of Soul Society knowin' 'bout my problems," he grunted, narrowing his one visible eye at her. "Got it?"

"Yes," she deadpanned.

"Good. Now, tell me what ta do," he ordered. She froze.

"Uh...poetry?"

"_No,_" was the immediate reply.

"Uh..." Putting her hand to her chin, she tilted her head back, thinking. "Have you tried..._giving_ her something to show her you're sorry? Girls like romantic gifts, I think." It was something she'd seen happen in one of the dramas Yumichika watched so much, in which the main character had cheesily presented his girlfriend with expensive yet useless gifts in an attempt to please her. It had seemed to work for him, and the two characters had shared a deep kiss moments later – she could never understand how actors could perform such sexual acts on national television for the world to see.

"What do ya have in mind?" her taichou asked, thinking over the plan and looking a little uncomfortable at the idea of romance. She rolled her eyes.

"She's _your _girlfriend," she said. When he looked a little lost, she sighed. He was hopeless. "How about flowers?" she suggested. "I think roses are customary –"

"Allergic," he grunted, shaking his head.

"Mmm...how about chocolates?"

"Hates sweets," he denied. "Somethin' 'bout keepin' healthy." Karin nodded – that definitely sounded like the committed leader of a medical group.

"Some tea?" she offered desperately. Unohana-taichou _did _love tea.

"She's already got herself a closet full," he said. "What would me givin' 'er more do?"

Karin groaned. Why was this so hard? You'd think a soft, gentle woman like Unohana-taichou would be easy to shop for. They'd already gone through practically every romantic thing she could think of.

"Oh, wait!" she remembered. "What about jewelry? Girls like that crap, right?"

"Could work," he grumbled. "What kind?"

"Really, taichou?" she asked in frustration. "You're asking _me _when she's _your _girlfriend. Don't you think you should at least _try _to put some thought into this?"

He glared down at her menacingly but still nodded. "Fine."

With a furious glower shrouding his face, Zaraki Kenpachi set out to find himself a jewelry store for the first time.

**.. ღ ..**

"What the _hell _is that?"

Those were the first words out of Karin's mouth as she gaped at the square, black case in her taichou's hand.

"It's what ya told me ta get," he grunted, opening his palm to hold it out to her. She wouldn't take it.

"I told you to get a small trinket to show Unohana-taichou that you're sorry – not _that_," she said, looking down at the box in shock.

"What's the big deal? The guy at the shop said all women love this," Kenpachi argued, and then grumbled in a lower voice, "An' they better, for the arm an' leg it cost me."

Karin groaned. "And there's a _reason _for that," she said with a sigh. "Taichou, don't you know what giving a _diamond __ring_ to a woman _means?_"

He shrugged. She slapped the heel of her palm against her forehead.

"It means marriage," she explained pointedly.

A beat of silence passed between them. Kenpachi looked down at the case in his hand with a blank gaze. And then he sighed gruffly and stalked over to the door.

"I'll go return this, then."

**.. ღ ..**

Since the jewelry was a failure – well, it _wouldn't _have been if Kenpachi had just gotten something else for his girlfriend, but he had absolutely _refused _after the ring fiasco, for which the shop owner paid for dearly in the form of multiple bruises – Karin had to come up with another plan for her sulking taichou.

"Let's see," she mumbled from her place by the dojo's doors, tapping her chin in thought as she watched her taichou pumble _several _members in his growing anger with his problem. "What would Unohana-taichou like? What does _any _girl like?"

"Perfume?" a voice offered from behind her.

She jumped and swerved to find Yumichika behind her shoulder, gazing down at her meaningfully. She let out a breath of relief before waving a hand at him.

"Nah," Karin dismissed. "Unohana-taichou doesn't like perfume, especially since it can irritate a lot of her patients, like Ukitake-taichou with his respiratory problems. Besides, she always smells good anyway, like her lilac soaps."

"An' what are _you _suddenly givin' Unohana-taichou gifts for?" Ikkaku questioned, popping up behind her other shoulder.

"Can't say," she replied, turning away.

"She's obviously helping taichou," Yumichika observed in a bored voice. "And by his maniacal tirades on all the newbies during practice today, I'm guessing it's not going well." He flipped his hair. "Taichou should have come to _me__ – _I'm obviously the more beautiful one."

Karin ignored him.

"I can't believe she's so hard to give gifts to," she complained. "You'd think someone as womanly as her would be easy."

"How about clothes?" the fifth seat offered, sniffing as if he was giving the advice against his better judgment – he probably wanted to get the credit for helping Kenpachi. "Women love new clothes."

"Like what?" Karin asked. "She's always in her shinigami uniform when I see her, and we hardly have any reason to dress up around here. And if we were to get her anything, she would probably only want practical clothes, but she has a closet full of _those. _Besides, can you even _imagine _taichou trying to pick out a _cute __dress?_"

Ikkaku and Yumichika grumbled in agreement.

"Aren't ya goin' about this the wrong way?" Ikkaku spoke up, scrubbing his head. "If she's mad, what're gifts gonna do? Love can't be bought."

The other two gaped at him, and he looked away in embarrassment.

"That was...unexpected of you, Ikkaku," Yumichika offered.

"Oh, shut up!" Ikaku growled.

"No, no, you're right," Karin cut in. "We're completely going at this the wrong way. Unohana-taichou's not even the type to _like _expensive gifts. We need some way to show he _means _it."

"And what would that be?" the two asked in unison.

She blushed. "I'm working on it!" she cried, and stomped away.

**.. ღ ..**

She had it.

She finally had _The __Perfect __Way _for her taichou to _for __sure _win back his girlfriend. Kenpachi, however, wasn't too excited to go along with it and had almost refused point blank until she reminded him that this was Unohana-taichou they were talking about, and that if he actually succeeded, they would probably never, _ever _break up again _ever. __Ever._

"Now, you get the plan?" she asked him one last time. The two were on the Tenth Squad training ground, which was luckily empty as it was evening and everyone was heading back to their quarters to end the day.

"Yeah, yeah," he growled, looking dangerous. He might have finally agreed to do this, but that didn't mean he was any happier about it.

"Good. You're a strong guy – you can handle it. Now, Toushiro's agreed to help us with this, so he's gonna come at you, and you _can't __hit __back. __Understand?_" She glared at him firmly, comepletely serious.

"I got it already," her taichou snapped.

She ran across the grounds to her awaiting boyfriend, who was eyeing Kenpachi with distaste and fingering the hilt of his zanpakutou.

"Go easy on him, would you?" she murmured in his ear once she reached him. She knew _exactly _why he had agreed to help with this. "I know the guy called you an 'ice midget,' but he's just going through a hard time."

"...All right," Toushiro finally agreed, though his expression soured as if he was disappointed. Karin rolled her eyes.

"Okay!" she called across the field. "Ready, taichou!" Kenpachi stood up straighter, gritting his teeth. "Get set." Toushiro pulled out his zanpakutou, bending his knees and preparing for an attack. "Go!"

On her command, Toushiro leaped forward gracefully, jumping through the air and whipping back Hyourinmaru. Kenpachi's eyes were crazed as he awaited the strike, and his knuckles turned into white fists as he restrained himself. There was a flash of silver, and Toushiro's blade collided with Kenpachi's shoulder, cutting through it easily and creating a sizable gash.

The eleventh squad taichou roared out in response, not from the pain, but from his rapidly forming blood lust, which was _demanding _that he _pumble_ the ice midget to the ground _immediately _and win.

Toushiro stepped back, admiring his handy-work with a self-satisfied smirk.

Karin jogged over to them. "Great!" she called out enthusiastically. "Now, there's only one thing to do!"

**.. ღ ..**

Unohana-taichou was delicately sipping tea in her office when Isane-fukutaichou came stumbling in.

"Taichou," she said breathlessly. "Zaraki-taichou is here to see you."

"I thought we established that _I'm __busy,_" the gently healer reminded her softly, still preoccupied with her cup. She blew on some steam.

"Yes, but he's here as a patient," Isane explained.

Something flashed through Unohana's eyes, and she paused to look up at her sharply. "He's...hurt?" she asked in a small, concerned voice.

Isane nodded. "And it's a rule that only you attend to his injuries, so none of the other officers will see to him. Plus, most of them are too scared." She suddenly looked apologetic. "I'm sorry, taichou. I would go, but I was just about to go visit Ukitake-taichou for his monthly check-up. But if you would like to switch -"

"No, Isane-san," Unohana cut her off, finally getting up and setting her steaming cup down. "You have your own duties, and I have mine. We must be professional about this."

And so she marched down to the patients' rooms, passing harried-looking officers and sickly-looking visitors, in too much of a haste to pause for a greeting. When she reached her desired room, she slid open the door to find Kenpachi seated on one of the tiny beds, looking monstrous in size in comparison to it. Karin stood to his side, looking bored. They both looked up when she entered.

"Unohana-taichou," Karin said hurriedly, bowing low in respect.

"Unohana," Kenpachi grunted.

She acknowledged the girl with a nod before setting her sights on her _boyfriend. _He had a scowl on his irritated face, looking a little impatient for her diagnosis. So, she looked closely and found that there was a deep gash on his right shoulder, dripping blood that mixed in with the dark color of his uniform.

"How did this happen?" she asked quietly, professionally. She kept her eyes on the wound, refusing to meet his gaze.

"He was sparring with Toush – I mean, Hitsugaya-taichou," Karin quickly answered for him. "He didn't see the attack and got hit."

Kenpachi snorted, though he didn't say anything to deny that statement. Unohana nodded primly.

"I would have thought someone with nurse training such as yourself could have healed him immediately, Kurosaki-san," she said to her, watching in amusement as she chuckled awkwardly.

"Yeah, well, I didn't wanna screw up taichou's fighting arm, so I thought it would be best to leave it to you." And then she nudged her captain forcefully.

"Right..." he grunted. "'Sides, no one's as good as healin' as you..._Retsu._" He practically choked out her first name, as if it physically pained him; even though they had begun dating, he still referred to her as 'Unohana,' never having been one for endearments. Karin, at least, was pleased with him for managing it.

"Yes, well, it's rather difficult not to excel at the one thing you do," she replied cheekily.

Kenpachi glared at the ground, and Karin could only look back and forth between them awkwardly. Unohana pretended not to notice and instead began to inspect Kenpachi's shoulder. It was a deep wound but, otherwise, not too bad. It wouldn't take much to fix it. Even Kenpachi hardly seemed to notice it was there, which was why it was curious that he had even bothered to come at all – he was usually bloodied up _a __lot _more.

"This is a fairly minor wound," she reported to them. And as she said this, she easily hovered her hands over it, letting her hands glow green. They were all showered with the glow of her kidou, and soon the blood seeping from the injury trickled to a stop as it healed. "That should do it," she said in satisfaction. "Let me just clean that for you and you may head back."

As she wandered over to the room's basin in search of a wet rag, Karin nudged Kenpachi impatiently.

"_Taichou,_" she hissed in warning out of the corner of her mouth. "_Your __line._"

"Uh...right," he said. Looking over to his girlfriend's back, he cleared his throat. "_Retsu, _you, uh...healed me?"

He scratched his head in thought as both women stared at him incredulously.

"Yes, I suppose I did," Unohana-taichou agreed, looking extremely confused. However, her eyes hardened once again as she turned back to her search. Karin took the opportunity to smack his arm.

"That was completely wrong," she whispered. "You made a total idiot of yourself, taichou! We went over this."

He looked pained. "I forgot it, all right?" he growled under his breath.

"Then, _use _your _cheat __sheet,_" she ordered, suddenly irritated. "That's what it's _for._"

With a lot of irritated shuffling, he pulled out a small piece of notebook paper from inside his sleeve.

"Y-ya did a wonder..._good _job, _Retsu_," he complimented her. It came out in a deadpanned tone as he just read off his little piece of paper Karin had written for him, though he improvised the words he thought just looked plain ridiculous. "Your division's so..._handy._"

"Is that right?" she asked with raised eyebrows. There was a calm smile on her face as she soaked a small rag under the sink, and then she scrubbed at his bloodied arm.

"Yeah," he grunted, trying his best to remember his lines without using them for help. "We, uh..." He looked up helplessly at Karin, who had been trying to blend in with the wall behind her. She rolled her eyes and starting mouthing words to him. "We wouldn't be...nowhere...without ya...around," Kenpachi stated, still gazing fixedly at her lips.

Karin made swinging motions with her hand, gesturing to him with the other. '_Cup __her __cheek!' _He, however, completely misunderstood, and instead started petting the woman's head like he did with Yachiru – more like _thumping _it heavily with his huge, clumsy hands.

"Zaraki-tiachou, what _are _you doing?" Unohana questioned, looking flustered. When he pulled his hand away, her hair was severely disheveled.

_'Oh, __shit. __I'm __gonna _die,' Karin thought fearfully, trying to avoid the deadly glare Kenpachi was directing at her. It wasn't her fault! She was only trying to remember what Toushiro liked to do when he wanted to placate her – he used his actions more than his words, and she was sure he had cupped her cheek _once_at least.

_'Sorry,_' she mouthed, hoping to save herself. Apparently, her taichou was still miffed, so she made a rolling motion with her hand. _'Keep __going!'_

"_Retsu_, thanks fer the great job ya did," he continued on her command. "No one can keep me in fightin' condition like you can."

"If you stayed out of fights for longer than an hour, then I would be grateful for a chance to _relax __every __day_," she shot back, her smile turning brittle at the ends.

Kenpachi felt his face twitch. "Well," he went on, sounding like he was trying to keep calm, "I appreciate ya all the same, _Retsu. _It's good ta know I have ya on my side."

Karin beamed brightly at him. He was keeping his cool _and _seemed to be getting the knack of complimenting her civilly; they _were _the entire basis of the plan, after all. And it was going so well! At this rate, the two might just get back together by sunset.

But then Unohana dealt the final blow.

"Well, it's also good to know you _consider _me on your side," she quipped back. "After all, my division is not one for fighting, and I know _some __people_ might consider that _useless_ in Soul Society." She met his eyes dead on, glaring at him. "I _detest _people like that the _most_."

There was silence in the room after her declaration. Both women kept wary eyes on the eleventh squad taichou, who took a moment to process those words that were obviously directed at him. Finally, a deep rumbling started in his chest as he gritted his teeth. His spiritual pressure spiked dangerously, and they both gaped at him, startled.

"_Ah, __that's __it!_" he finally let loose, turning red in the face. With an irritated growl, he grabbed Unohana's hand, pulling it away from his own. She looked up at him calmly, not at all bothered by his tight grip. "Look here, Unohana," he said gruffly, "'nough is 'nough. You're outta line now."

Her eyes flashed, and that deadly smile creeped, ever so slowly, across her lips. "Zaraki-taichou," she said with a lethal calm, "please let go of my hand. How else can I do my job properly? I wouldn't want to become useless now."

"_That!_" he snarled, his own eyes sparking. "_That's _what I'm talkin' 'bout! Now you listen, woman," he said menacingly. "Your fits ain't doin' no one no good."

Karin, standing off in the corner, slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand in complete horror as she witnessed her taichou finally lose it. There went her plan...

Unohana's eyes flashed dangerously once again. "Zaraki-taichou," she said, still refusing to wipe that smile off her face. "Please refrain from raising your voice. You'll upset my patients. Whatever is happening between you and me does not need to be broadcasted across Soul Society."

"There shouldn't _be _anythin' like this happenin' between us!" Kenpachi yelled, completely disregarding her request. "I don' know what your problem is, but ya don't need ta take it this far."

"Z-Zaraki-taichou," Unohana stuttered as his grip tightened and his eyes narrowed. She tried to push away, but he held on. "I assure you, I have no idea _what _you're talking abou -"

"Oh, really?" he huffed. "Sprayin' me with water, kickin' me out, avoidin' me – that ring any bells?"

The healer blushed furiously at his list. "You're simply blowing things out of proportion," she tried to excuse herself, leaning back and looking away from his intense gaze.

"Am I?" he said, and he roughly grabbed her chin to make her look him in the eye.

"Z-Zaraki -"

"It was a mistake, 'kay?" he growled, glaring down at his stubborn girlfriend. "I don't know what ya heard when I said your division's gettin' a break, but whatever it was, you were _wrong._" Still keeping her hand in his grip, he whipped off the table and stepped closer to her until there was no more space between them, looking more intimidating when she had to look up at him. "I only meant that ya work too damn hard, and I want ya to relax. Nothin' else. Got it?"

A beat of silence passed between them, and when Unohana didn't reply – now looking at the floor rather than at him – his patience snapped. "Now you listen!" he bellowed, wrapping an arm around her waist and yanking her flush against his chest. "You're my woman, _woman,_ but I don't need ya blowin' a fuse every time I open my stupid mouth! I don't know what women want ta hear, so I'll be sayin' whatever thought that pops up in my head, and don't ya take it to heart!"

Karin was rhythmically banging her head against the wall, trying to drown out the sound of her taichou's love life going up in flames – and also trying to maybe kill herself with a head injury before her taichou pointed his zanpakutou at _her _after all this.

But, rather than spit venom at him, Unohana just slowly lifted her head. The smile was – _thankfully__ – _no longer on her face. Instead, she looked up at him curiously. "It was...really a mistake?" she asked quietly, her eyes saddening.

He clenched his teeth and nodded. "A misunderstandin'," he added. "Ya didn't give me a chance ta explain."

She looked thoughtful. "...You're right," she finally admitted, looking slightly ashamed. "I-I just assumed that..."

"That I thought yer division's full o' pansies?" he suggested. She nodded, and he snorted. "Well, they are. But yer not."

She frowned slightly, apparently trying to decide whether she was angry that he had insulted her subordinates or happy that he thought so highly of her. Finally, she settled for happiness – why make the situation worse?

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I-I don't know what came over me." Nervously, she fidgeted with her hair, trying to smooth it out after he had ruffled it up.

"There's something to be admired 'bout a woman who'll stick up fer her division like that," he tried to reassure her, looking a little awkward about giving the compliment. "And ya can stop that. Ya look..._pretty _already_._"

She blushed furiously as she looked up at him.

"Yer special ta me!" he finally spat out, almost looking..._shy, _"and I don't like it when ya don't talk ta me. I didn't mean ta hurt ya."

"Oh, Zaraki-taichou," she crooned, biting her lip and looking up him with red still sprinkled across her cheeks. Her eyes were a little wet. "You're special to me too."

With a determined gleam in his eyes, he swooped down, picked her off the ground, and kissed her hotly while swinging her around. She closed her eyes and happily returned it.

And all was right with the world.

...

Except that Karin still stood in the corner, watching with her eyes popped out in complete terror as _Kenpachi _and _Unohana-taichou _attacked each other's lips furiously. Oh, Kami! She didn't want to see this! She clapped a hand over her eyes and _bolted_ from the room, completely traumatized.

At least her taichou was happy again.

After all, it had been a plan meant to get them back together. And they did. It had been a plan to ensure that they never break up again _ever. _And they didn't. They stayed together throughout years after that, much to Karin's relief and sanity. Of course, they fought, but neither wanted to go through such trouble again, so they always forgave each other before the day was over. And they never, _ever _broke up again _ever. __Ever._

Turns out, Kenpachi kept that ring. _Just __in __case_ he needed a back-up plan.

* * *

><p><strong>I've been working on this since the last update, if you can believe <em>that<em>. These one-shots keep getting progressively longer. At least I'm finally done. The hardest part to write was the scene when Kenpachi was getting patched up in Fourth Division. I _still_ think it's horrible, but I figured I owed you guys an update.**


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